Love and Resentment Can Coexist
You love them. And sometimes you resent them. The two can sit in the same room. That doesn't make you a bad dad—it makes you human. Here's how to sit with both, and what to do when the resentment gets loud.
TL;DR
- •Mixed emotions are normal. Love and resentment can coexist.
- •Guilt keeps you stuck. Notice it, then focus on what you need.
- •Resentment is information—often about rest, support, or unmet needs.
- •Healthy outlets: movement, talking, rest. Harmful: drinking, withdrawing, snapping.
Why mixed emotions are normal
You can love your kids and still feel resentful. You can be grateful and exhausted at the same time. The brain doesn't do either/or. It does both. Holding both doesn't mean you love them less. It means you're tired, stretched, and human. Most dads have felt it. The ones who say they haven't are either lying or not paying attention. You're allowed to feel both.
The guilt trap and how to step out of it
Guilt shows up when you feel resentment. "I shouldn't feel this way." "What kind of dad am I?" Guilt doesn't fix anything. It just adds a layer of suffering on top of what you're already carrying. Step out of it by noticing: "I feel guilty. That's a feeling, not a fact." Then ask: "What do I actually need right now?" Rest? A break? Someone to talk to? Guilt keeps you stuck. The question moves you forward.
What resentment is trying to tell you
Resentment is rarely just about the kids. It's usually about something underneath: you need rest. You need support. You need a minute to yourself. You need your partner to take a turn. Resentment is a signal. It's saying: something isn't working. Listen to it. Not to blame anyone—to figure out what you need. Then take one small step toward it.
Healthy outlets vs harmful ones
Healthy: movement—a walk, a run, a gym session. Talking—to your partner, a friend, someone who gets it. Rest—actual sleep, or 20 minutes alone. Writing it down. Harmful: drinking to numb it. Withdrawing from everyone. Taking it out on the kids or your partner. Scrolling to escape. The difference isn't moral—it's practical. Healthy outlets release the pressure. Harmful ones store it up.
How to ask for help without feeling weak
Asking for help isn't weakness. It's how you stay in the game. Start small: "I need an hour to myself this weekend." "Can you take the kids so I can go for a walk?" "I'm struggling. Can we talk?" You don't have to have it all figured out. You just have to say the thing. Your partner, a friend, your GP—someone can help. The ask is the first step. The rest follows.
Try This Today
- □Notice one moment of resentment today. Don't judge it. Just notice.
- □When guilt shows up, say: "That's a feeling, not a fact." Then ask: "What do I need?"
- □Pick one healthy outlet—a walk, a talk, 20 minutes alone—and do it this week.
- □Ask your partner for one specific thing: an hour off, a handover, a chat.
- □Write down one thing you're resentful about. Then one thing you need. No solutions yet.
- □If you've been using a harmful outlet, notice it. One small shift counts.
- □Tell one person you trust: "I'm finding it hard." That's enough.
Common Mistakes
- •Pretending you don't feel resentment—it doesn't go away, it goes underground.
- •Letting guilt run the show—"I shouldn't feel this" keeps you stuck.
- •Taking it out on the kids or your partner—they're not the cause, they're the trigger.
- •Using drink or withdrawal to cope—it stores the pressure, doesn't release it.
- •Waiting until you're at breaking point to ask for help—ask earlier.
- •Thinking you have to fix it all yourself—you don't.
If You're Struggling
If the resentment is loud and the guilt is louder, start with one thing. One ask. One healthy outlet. One person you tell. You don't have to fix everything. You just have to take one step.
Next: read about the 3am dad vs the daytime dad, the survival phase, or you'll see yourself in your child.
FAQ
- Is it normal to feel resentful and love my kids at the same time?
- Yes. Mixed emotions are normal. Love and resentment can coexist. Most dads have felt it. You're not broken.
- How do I stop feeling guilty about the resentment?
- Notice the guilt. Say: "That's a feeling, not a fact." Then ask: "What do I actually need?" Guilt keeps you stuck. The question moves you forward.
- What's the difference between healthy and harmful outlets?
- Healthy outlets release the pressure—movement, talking, rest. Harmful ones store it—drinking, withdrawing, taking it out on others.
- How do I ask for help without feeling weak?
- Start small. "I need an hour to myself." "Can you take the kids?" "I'm struggling. Can we talk?" The ask is the first step. It's strength, not weakness.
- What if my partner doesn't get it?
- Try one specific ask. "I need X." If that's hard, talk to a friend or your GP. You don't have to do it alone.