Quiet checks, sofa naps, structural chaos.
Issued: 2023-03-14 • Last reviewed: 2024-10-02 • Edition 0.9
Notes compiled from repeated incidents. Not advice. Just… patterns.
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If the house has been silent for more than a couple of minutes, something’s up. Don’t shout from the sofa. Go look.
Go look. Don’t yell from the sofa. You’ll regret it.
They’re better at whatever they’re doing when they think you haven’t noticed yet. Check the craft drawer. Count the glue sticks. Then decide how much you want to know.
Ten minutes can actually help. Twenty and you’re in the wrong kind of sleep and the rest of the day is written off.
Face the cushion. Don’t make eye contact. If someone finds you, you were resting your eyes. Stick to that.
It doesn’t come out. I’m not being dramatic. You’ll find it in your beard. In the butter. Next year.
Do not vacuum glitter. You’re not cleaning it, you’re spreading it.
Don’t vacuum it. You’ll just move it around. Contain what you can and accept that the rest of the house is already gone.
If they offer to set the table or tidy up without being asked, something’s going on. Either they want something or they’ve done something. Usually both.
Take the help. See what happens.
A closed door is a suggestion. They’ll knock and then come in anyway. Some don’t knock.
If you need actual privacy you have to leave. Shed. Car. I’m not joking.
You will touch something sticky and not know what it is or how long it’s been there. Don’t think about it too hard.
Wet wipes in every room. Not for them. For you.
Sometimes the only dinner you get is toast at 9:45pm over the sink.
It still counts. You’re not hosting a wellness retreat. You’re keeping everyone alive.
You think you’ve finished the washing and then a hidden basket appears.
Accept that laundry is not a task. It is a background condition.
After school drop-off, the supermarket run, or a long day. Engine off. Door closed. Silence.
Not dramatic. Just recalibration.
You adjust it by one degree. Someone notices immediately.
You will now defend this decision for fifteen minutes.
This document may be revised without notice.
Unofficial field documentation. Updated occasionally.
Compiled here. Built elsewhere.