Remote disappearance, bathroom protocol, general weirdness.
Issued: 2022-09-03 • Last reviewed: 2024-06-11 • Edition 0.8
Notes compiled from repeated incidents. Not advice. Just… patterns.
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It’s in the house. You know it’s in the house. Under the sofa, in the toy box, once I found it in the fridge. Don’t ask.
Buying a second one doesn’t fix it. Now you have two remotes and you still can’t find either.
They go in as pairs. They come out as singles. The washing machine isn’t eating them. They’re just… gone. Into the void.
Odd socks are fine. Anyone who cares has never had a laundry basket.
Warn them at five minutes and one minute. When time’s up, time’s up. Take the device if you have to. There will be a scene. It passes.
Turning it off will trigger a loud firmware update. This is normal.
Don’t immediately suggest something else. A bit of boredom is allowed. They’ll find something.
Chest clip first. Then one shoulder, then the other. Support the head. One smooth move. Don’t stop. Don’t look at your partner. They’re judging you.
If they wake up, put them down anyway. Sometimes they go back under. Usually not. You tried.
It’s not personal. Today you’re the wrong shape or the wrong voice or you cut the toast wrong. Tomorrow it’ll be them.
Use the time. Sit down. Don’t take it to heart.
Every cable you own will migrate to behind the sofa, under a bed, or into a toy box.
Have one adult-only cable that never leaves the same socket. Guard it.
The remote is never where you left it and always where someone “just put it down for a second.”
Check under cushions, inside toy ovens, and in the blanket fort before you accuse anyone.
At some point the house will contain more single socks than pairs and nobody will admit fault.
Match for warmth, not aesthetics. If they’re wearing shoes, you’ve already won.
Every house has one. Batteries, tape, something that might be important.
If you open it you will be asked why. There is no good answer. Leave it shut.
You bought it. You were certain.
It fixed nothing. It now lives in the drawer.
This document may be revised without notice.
Unofficial field documentation. Updated occasionally.
Compiled here. Built elsewhere.