Remote disappearance, bathroom protocol, general weirdness.
Issued: 2022-09-03 • Last reviewed: 2024-06-11 • Edition 0.8
Notes compiled from repeated incidents. Not advice. Just… patterns.
Use the contents below to jump to a section.
Where the remote goes and why a second one doesn't help
It’s in the house. You know it’s in the house. Under the sofa, in the toy box, once I found it in the fridge. Don’t ask.
Buying a second one doesn’t fix it. Now you have two remotes and you still can’t find either.
Why socks disappear in the wash and the one sock economy
They go in as pairs. They come out as singles. The washing machine isn’t eating them. They’re just… gone. Into the void.
Odd socks are fine. Anyone who cares has never had a laundry basket.
Turning off the tablet without a meltdown
Warn them at five minutes and one minute. When time’s up, time’s up. Take the device if you have to. There will be a scene. It passes.
Turning it off will trigger a loud firmware update. This is normal.
Don’t immediately suggest something else. A bit of boredom is allowed. They’ll find something.
How to move a sleeping child from the car without waking them
Chest clip first. Then one shoulder, then the other. Support the head. One smooth move. Don’t stop. Don’t look at your partner. They’re judging you.
If they wake up, put them down anyway. Sometimes they go back under. Usually not. You tried.
When they only want the other parent — it's not personal
It’s not personal. Today you’re the wrong shape or the wrong voice or you cut the toast wrong. Tomorrow it’ll be them.
Use the time. Sit down. Don’t take it to heart.
Where charging cables go and the one to guard
Every cable you own will migrate to behind the sofa, under a bed, or into a toy box.
Have one adult-only cable that never leaves the same socket. Guard it.
Why the remote is never where you left it
The remote is never where you left it and always where someone “just put it down for a second.”
Check under cushions, inside toy ovens, and in the blanket fort before you accuse anyone.
More single socks than pairs and nobody admits fault
At some point the house will contain more single socks than pairs and nobody will admit fault.
Match for warmth, not aesthetics. If they’re wearing shoes, you’ve already won.
The drawer you're not allowed to open
Every house has one. Batteries, tape, something that might be important.
If you open it you will be asked why. There is no good answer. Leave it shut.
The tool you bought that fixed nothing
You bought it. You were certain.
It fixed nothing. It now lives in the drawer.
This document may be revised without notice.
Unofficial field documentation. Updated occasionally.
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Compiled here. Built elsewhere.