Shoes, aisles, and the long walk to the car.
Issued: 2023-01-22 • Last reviewed: 2024-07-14 • Revision 1.0
Notes compiled from repeated incidents. Not advice. Just… patterns.
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What happens when they say "watch this" in public
When they say it in a park or a shop or literally anywhere, assume it’s going to go wrong. Either they hurt themselves or you have to leave. There’s no third option.
Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
When kids take their shoes off in shops and refuse to put them back
At some point they will take them off and refuse to put them back. The longer you’ve been in the building, the more likely.
Arguing in the aisle just extends the runtime. Pick a policy and execute.
Arguing in the middle of Tesco doesn’t work. Pick a policy and follow through. If you can’t find the shoes, check the next trolley. I’m serious.
Are we there yet — how to survive car journeys
They’ll ask five minutes in. Then again. Then again. You can explain time. It won’t help.
Best options: snacks, audiobook, or "when the big tower appears." Pick a landmark. Lie about how far it is. We’re all doing it.
What to do when your toddler has a meltdown in a supermarket
It’s going to happen. Someone’s going to lose it over something that doesn’t matter. Probably in front of people who don’t have kids and are definitely judging.
You can’t reason with it. Get through the checkout. Get to the car. Nobody in that shop will remember you in ten minutes.
Shoes coming off in the wrong place — carry backups
Shoes will come off in the least convenient place: doorway, queue, middle of the car park.
Carry a quiet pair of backups in the bag. Don’t announce them. Just deploy.
When they say the quiet thought at full volume in public
They only notice other people in public to say the quietest thought at full volume.
You can’t stop it. You can only redirect and apologise with your eyebrows.
When you stop caring what anyone in the shop thinks
There’s a point where you stop caring what anyone in the shop thinks.
You’ll know you’ve hit it when you finish the shop mid-tantrum anyway.
In a café, library, or quiet carriage they will discover their outside voice.
Shushing only amplifies it. Distract, relocate, or accept the stares.
Leaving the playground — five more minutes is a theory
You said five more minutes. Five more minutes is a theory.
Shoes become optional. Negotiations escalate.
The birthday party exit — three final goodbyes
You say goodbye. They say one more game.
You say final goodbye. There are three final goodbyes.
8:42am and something essential is missing from the bag
It’s 8:42am. Someone cannot find something essential.
It was in the bag yesterday. This is your fault.
PE kit discovered at drop-off — it wasn't washed
Discovered at drop-off. It was supposed to be washed.
It was not. You consider moving schools.
This document may be revised without notice.
Unofficial field documentation. Updated occasionally.
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