Shoes, aisles, and the long walk to the car.
Issued: 2023-01-22 • Last reviewed: 2024-07-14 • Revision 1.0
Notes compiled from repeated incidents. Not advice. Just… patterns.
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When they say it in a park or a shop or literally anywhere, assume it’s going to go wrong. Either they hurt themselves or you have to leave. There’s no third option.
Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
At some point they will take them off and refuse to put them back. The longer you’ve been in the building, the more likely.
Arguing in the aisle just extends the runtime. Pick a policy and execute.
Arguing in the middle of Tesco doesn’t work. Pick a policy and follow through. If you can’t find the shoes, check the next trolley. I’m serious.
They’ll ask five minutes in. Then again. Then again. You can explain time. It won’t help.
Best options: snacks, audiobook, or "when the big tower appears." Pick a landmark. Lie about how far it is. We’re all doing it.
It’s going to happen. Someone’s going to lose it over something that doesn’t matter. Probably in front of people who don’t have kids and are definitely judging.
You can’t reason with it. Get through the checkout. Get to the car. Nobody in that shop will remember you in ten minutes.
Shoes will come off in the least convenient place: doorway, queue, middle of the car park.
Carry a quiet pair of backups in the bag. Don’t announce them. Just deploy.
They only notice other people in public to say the quietest thought at full volume.
You can’t stop it. You can only redirect and apologise with your eyebrows.
There’s a point where you stop caring what anyone in the shop thinks.
You’ll know you’ve hit it when you finish the shop mid-tantrum anyway.
In a café, library, or quiet carriage they will discover their outside voice.
Shushing only amplifies it. Distract, relocate, or accept the stares.
You said five more minutes. Five more minutes is a theory.
Shoes become optional. Negotiations escalate.
You say goodbye. They say one more game.
You say final goodbye. There are three final goodbyes.
It’s 8:42am. Someone cannot find something essential.
It was in the bag yesterday. This is your fault.
Discovered at drop-off. It was supposed to be washed.
It was not. You consider moving schools.
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Unofficial field documentation. Updated occasionally.
Compiled here. Built elsewhere.